This is what the Tory Brexit is going to look like

There are 179 days until Brexit, they’ve got a full tank of prats, half a pack of loons, they’re doomed and they’re wearing blue rosettes.

Welcome to the Conservative Party conference of 2018, where the Tories are trying to pretend they can organise a knees-up that doesn’t somehow end in whacking themselves in the testicles.

It’s day one, and they’ve already failed. Their Great Blond Hope has not only been victim of a Big Daddy splash by Lord Digby Jones, he’s been impersonated by Phil ‘Voldemort’ Hammond and had his ideas characterised as "not much good" by David ‘Mine Are No Better’ Davis.

We are now uncomfortably close to the arbitrary date for leaving the European Union, chosen by a Prime Minister who herself was chosen because she wasn’t someone else, and as is the way with things on horizons it looks worryingly like an out-of-control hydrogen explosion.

We all know what’s happened – the referendum supposed to unify the Tories has caused them to turn on each other like cannibals who gave up chlorinated chicken for Lent, the question supposed to be settled for a generation remains unanswered, and Theresa May is still PM primarily because she isn’t someone else.

So what is Brexit going to look like, under the Tories?

1. Project Oh Dear

Jeremy Hunt is a man who has more in common with an Anglepoise lamp than the rest of the human race. He can be pointed, turned on, and turned off again, but usually fails to illuminate anyone. He is now second-favourite to be Prime Minister next year, which should be adequate proof of just how boked the Tories are.

Boris is trolling, Sajid and Gavin are manoeuvring, Chris Grayling is in a siding outside Melton Mowbray and Hunt – a man who, the Leveson Inquiry heard, tried to hide behind trees to avoid journalists while still being visible to them – is now, let me say it again, one of the favourites.

It’s a bit like saying the green Opal Fruit is your favourite. Or that the USSR, which invaded countries that tried to leave it and killed millions, is just like the EU, which negotiates, even with people who don’t know what they’re doing.

2. Project You Can’t Be Serious

Having toured the country in a bus promising to give our EU subscription to the NHS, the Tories have since said:

a) we’ll still have to pay a subscription

b) it will be higher, without a rebate

c) by the way, we’ll be cutting £2.7bn off the NHS

Today the spiritual leader of the Brextremists has suggested we spend our foreign aid budget on saving elephants, because they remind him of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.

Hang the education projects, stuff the small-scale charities who exist entirely because of foreign aid, and let’s get all worked up about the 70 pence in every £100 national profit that we spend on foreigners. Boo hiss to foreigners! Elephants are British! Wait, what?

3. Project Is This Really The Best You Could Do

Brexit, the Tories are assuring us and their donors, will mean a bonfire of unnecessary rules and regulations about meaningless, bureaucratic tripe like child car seats, not getting killed at work and hiding your money from the taxman.

It gives us a chance to set our own rules such as only banning dangerous cladding 15 months after it burned 72 people alive, and only if it’s on new buildings, which means all the people living in older properties can go sizzle.

It also won’t matter if you sleep surrounded by highly-flammable material on the sixth floor, or if you don’t have a sprinkler system, or the fire exits are blocked or non-existent. After Brexit, you won’t want to live anyway.

4. Project Genuine Fear

The government of the UK is trying to exit a union it doesn’t want while protecting one that it does. To do so they are relying on a referendum they say must be respected, while ignoring a referendum they say must be over-ridden.

All the people concerned were told beforehand that Brexit would spell the end of the Good Friday Agreement, a hard-won peace in Northern Ireland, and possibly the end of the Union altogether. That they have now, 6 months from doom, had this explained to them again by a comedian shows just what a bad joke the Tories are.

Patrick Kielty’s dad was murdered by the Ulster Freedom Fighters for exposing their organised crime. The Tories’ border solution involves asking those self-same people to pretend there’s a border where there isn’t one, and file paperwork well in advance before smuggling guns, drugs and people across 300 miles of hedge that we can’t police.

Laugh? You’ll die.

5. Project It All Onto Someone Else

Presiding over economic chaos? Watching John Lewis go down the pan, the world turn against you, and Jacob Rees-Mogg destroying all his own suggestions by moving his investment funds to the EU and trying to get a trade deal with the "People’s Republic of Jam Jar Or Something Like That"?

Well, why not shoot some more badgers. Not in the head, that’s too quick. Kneecap them and watch them suffer. Burn some cattle, bankrupt some farmers, blame it all on the EU’s crazy rules about bovine TB which isn’t harmless so long as you pasteurise your milk, mostly doesn’t kill cows and could easily be stopped with a vaccine if only we could be bothered.

When someone says ‘but Brexit means we can abandon these rules! Save the badgers!’ point out we still have to abide by EU rules if we want to sell beef, milk or cheese to the EU. And don’t, for heaven’s sake, let anyone say that the only way to change those rules is to, er, remain in the EU.

With a Tory Brexit, hard or soft, you’re looking at Jeremy Hunt being in charge while making swingeing NHS cuts, making it quite the worst reboot of a franchise since Indiana Jones And The Hospital Of Doom.

You’ll see people burning in another tower block before long, a fresh wave of terrorism when we haven’t dealt with the current one, and Tories blaming badgers, migrants, and anything else that moved because, after Brexit, they’ll no longer be able to blame the EU.

The Tories have spent the past 40 years blaming Europe for all the things they cocked up themselves. Without the EU, people are going to blame the Tories. Which is why their days are numbered.


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